This morning felt like the first Spring day of 2013. Bright and airy without being fresh and cold. I stepped off the bus with a ‘spring’ in my step simply enjoying being outside in the air without being pummelled by rain and hail.
But even though the beautiful day made me feel light-hearted, I also felt a little sad as I realised another winter had passed with no snow.
About a month ago I was feeling down. I hadn’t hit rock bottom but I was nearly there. I wrote this which I just found on a page:
“Some days the rain is just too much and you need to retreat. Other days the path is littered with black ice just waiting to slip you up. This winter has been difficult, dark long days followed by bleak cold nights. On a personal level I have had one shock or disappointment after another. Don’t get me wrong, there are many who have reviewed worse news than me over this time, their lives made bleak and unbearable by such news. But somehow I feel that I no longer have to strength of deal with such shocks, that tears are never far from the edge.”
Looking at this with the benefit of hindsight, I obviously knew I was in a bad place, I just could not see it in any way that I could ask for help. It makes you realise how fragile we are. And how self-unaware most of the time. I have thought about taking down my post from 1 January. The message written through tears and pain and an intent to find silence. But I think it is important to stay true, that to delete it would be a disservice to others who have felt at the end of their ability to endure and who look to find solace in the void. I am on the other side. I also need to remember, and try never to go there again.